| Had an important phone call come through today ... | Week 1 of 12, Day 6 of 84
This morning was like the rest of the week. I am only human, so I go through my struggles. When it is time to exercise, for example, there is always some excuse, lurking around the corner, waiting to be known. Sometimes its too late, or I'm too tired, or the weather's not right. I could live in a cesspool of excuses, but the difference between success and defeat is deciding to CHANGE and stop letting the excuses take hold.
So I've made it through the week, and Saturday is my last day. I wake up to my daughter giggling. It is 7 in the morning ... no sleeping in for this family. Outside, it is gray and overcast. My body is wracked by the trauma of having my first full week of exercise after a week off, and there's nothing I'd like more to roll over and saw a few more logs.
Of course, there are excuses dancing in the dull, muted light of the morning. They lure me with their promise - it might rain. You need to eat (that excuse turns into - my belly is full, and I can't run). Your legs are sore. Just relax. You can always do it tomorrow. Sure, I say, sounds great, and I am intoxicated by the thought of just doing nothing and almost compelled to rise and join those excuses and merge with their gyrations of deceipt.
But something is different, this time. This time, I've decided to put ME on hold. It's always ME that gets in the way, after all. The excuses come from ME. It's ME who wants to take a break, it's ME who won't go out and do what I planned to do. But this time, I said I'm gonna get around ME. I'm gonna conquer ME. You know, I could've taken those excuses. But guess what? That would make this Saturday like ANY other Saturday. Sure, lay in bed. Be lazy. Court the excuses and reap the benefits of ... what? Nothing? Laziness? Some crass remarks, a glimpse of flesh, maybe the thud of bullets on TV? No thanks. I'm over ME.
So I got out and started doing one of the easiest things in this world that anyone can do: I put one foot in front of the next. And again. And again.
At first, it was like fingertips. The air had been thick with pollen the evening before - 3 times the peak count of last year in Atlanta - and the streets, cars, and houses were literally green with a thin veil of nature's compulsion to spring forth. The sky, overcast, was a stark contrast to bright greens, reds, yellows, and violet that greeted me in the trees, flowers, and other blossoming fauna that embanked the street I was running on. The temperature was fantastic - probably mid-to-high-70's - and the rain was just a mist, a gentle touch.
The first hill was tough but I remembered what happened on a run not long ago, when I realized that hills were a problem not of gravity but of perspective. We battle gravity every day - in fact, it is our staple, resisting Earth's tremendous pull as we lift resistance and strive to break it free from her bosom, her embrace. But no matter how much we struggle, we know that everything eventually returns. What goes up must come down. So this hill I'm on, it's pulling me down, and I decide that instead of heading up, I'll just shift my perspective. I'm really just running flat, but I have some resistance. I have Satan in my path.
Now non-believers might find this a little humerous, a picture of some horned red man with a pitch fork constantly serving as the scapegoat for my worldly problems. But as a Christian and firm believer in Christ, I do believe that Satan, the Prince of the World, is here, among us, and does everything possible to thwart our happiness and dull our senses with a poignant pleasure that is nothing but prolonged pain when, in retrospect, our actions become regrets and could haunt us if not for Salvation. But I think many people have it wrong. Some take that literal interpretation and indeed the bible tells us clearly that Satan is an angel fallen from heaven, but I think the Hebrew word for Satan might have a distinct meanining often overlooked. I think Satan may be another word for ME ... no, not ME ME ... but selfishness. The vanity of ME, the attention to ME, the abandonment of all else but me.
When I really think about the stumbling blocks in my life, the times when Satan interfered - what was it, really? What weakness was exploited? It was ME. It was selfishness.
When I was bitter, it was because of selfishness. I want, I want, I didn't get, it made me bitter. When I had a low self esteem, it was because of selfishness. I wanted hollywood looks and princely charm, but I didn't feel I had them. Not far. Selfishness. When I struggled at my jobs it was because I wanted attention or money or respect. When I felt greed, what was it? Greed is just another expression that selfishness wears when it wraps itself around ink and copper and tries to manifest the belief that currency can build empires. Those empires, I assure you, are of the world, and are not His kingdom.
Yes, I think Satan is selfishness and I struggle with it myself. I've fallen victim to my (selfish) ego many times. But then, when I think of the great moments in my life, I realize it was when it was not about ME. See, I could never complete a transformation just for ME - just for my BODY or to fit in MY clothes. No, I always had my inspiration - my close friend who died from an aggressive cancer (and why did I cry after bearing his casket back into the earth, back into the bosom, and let gravity pull him under? Because of ME - I missed him, and wanted him back). I did it because of my son and daughter - if it is for them, how can I fail? For they are my world. I did it for my wife. I mended the broken fences with my parents and now I do it for them. And then suddenly I realized I had a gift that was given so many years ago, so freely, but God is so incredible and loves us so much He gave me the choice NOT to accept it! He said I don't HAVE to love Him - I can turn Him down, and I did!
But now, more than anything, I can do it for him.
We were on a hill, right? Well that hill was about ME for a minute - MY discomfort, MY pain, MY difficulty breathing. But if I really took an inventory, I'd find that I knew I could physically make it. So what was lacking? I had to get around ME. So I submitted to HIM instead, and the hill because a fun challenge, a way of glorifying Christ by firming my resolve through faith and plodding up that hill.
It began like fingertips, but then the rain began to pour down harder, and it was okay. I was lost in Him. See, I had an important phone call come through today ... and it was God. When I reached my house, it was a literal deluge, but just as in my baptism I accepted Christ and on Cavalry His blood washed my sins, so did this rain wash me this morning.
I came in after a great run, wet, realizing I did it. I accomplished my first week. I trained hard, not holding back, I followed through, and I kept the balance. And God, through calling me, gave me a gentle reminder. He said, Son, keep running. Get outside, join me. Look at my glorious creation. I am everywhere. In the green veil of pollen that surrounds you, in the red of the flower, in the caress of the rain. And, Son, sometimes, it is important to set Satan aside. Set YOU aside. Overcome your selfishness, and think on the world.
So if you don't believe, that's okay. Try giving something today, and that will be enough, for now. In fact, try giving something and expecting NOTHING in return. Give something anonymously - don't even bask in the glory of saying, "I GAVE". Because, I believe Christ is in US, and He teaches us to give just as He gave for us. So some will call it evolution, some quirk genetic trait that somehow helps us get ahead - that's why we truly do feel good when we give. But if I challenge you to give, and gain nothing, not even the recognition, then you might feel something special inside, and realize, wow, even though I didn't benefit, I feel GOOD about it. And then, maybe, you'll chip away at the selfishness a little ... another scar for Satan to take home. And, then, maybe, my prayer is, some day, you'll decide that feeling good by giving is not just a bunch of chemicals and electrical impulses firing in your brain. No, it's Christ, holding your hand, thanking you, returning the favor by offering you the greatest gift of all - your eternal salvation.
God loves you, and so do I.
Jeremy
posted by Jeremy on 4/5/2003 10:01:24 AM | | BUSTED a goal | Week 1 of 12, Day 5 of 84
Almost forgot about it! I wanted to bench press over 200 for reps. On my first workout I hit 205 for two sets of 4 reps ... it's a start! Now onto the 240 goal!
posted by Jeremy on 4/4/2003 8:37:39 AM | | Some things that are GREEN | Week 1 of 12, Day 5 of 84 cont...
- My wife's shirt to the right, and the surrounding plants - this was in Jamaica!
- The green tea that Emma posted about. I have three types of tea in my drawer here at work: green tea, lemon ginseng, and rooibos. All yummy, and all my therapy to get rid of my addiction to coffee. This is coming upon the first week with no coffee during the week! (I'm still allowing it on the weekends)
- The Incredible Hulk, who is my inspiration when I'm pushing some heavy iron and it feels like my chest is going to split in half
- Money, which some people think make the world go round, but as a nice little on-line movie I recently saw so aptly states: "People sacrifice their health to make money, then spend all of their money trying to get their health back." (not sure if that quote was direct or not)
- The veggies that are so healthy for us. Leafy green veggies rock - they give us calcium, tons of healthy, cancer-fighting phytochemicals, and other useful nutrients
- My father's eyes are green
- The trees behind our house are finally green
- MY PROGRESS FOR THIS WEEK SO FAR! is totally green
Word. I had a great workout last night. Right now my body is in that wonderful state when you first start back training, so your legs are still sore from the Monday workout but you've already worked out twice since then, so it's basically the sensation of running full speed through a pile of bricks and then bouncing on them for extra fun. It is almost like the Pan Galactic Gargleblaster, a popular drink made known to Earthkind via the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It is said that "the effect of having a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick?"
Has anyone seen Killing Zoey? It's one of those Reservoir Dogs style flicks. There is a scene where someone has ingested quite a few illegal substances and is offering them to a friend. They say, "Try this. It is incredible! It makes you feel like the world is a great big bubble, and you are rubbing against it like a windshield wiper". The friend says, "I think I'll try it anyway." LOL ... altered perception, one person thinks he's offering the world, and the other is like, that's CRAZY but hey, let's try it.
Physique transformation is almost like that. Here, I'm offering you something that goes like this: give up some of your favorite foods (don't worry, you can change your tastes and you'll start enjoying twigs and fruit and lugging around cans of tuna all day) and get in the gym and do enough cardio that your eyeballs are swimming in sweat and your body will most likely be in pain all of the time, but IT'S GREAT. And you know what? It TRULY is because feeling healthy ROCKS. However, I remember four years ago when I was many, many pounds more prominent and it was kind of like ... "I think I'll try it anyway." LOL.
At any rate, we're keeping it green. Today I'm eating fruit and nuts, and for lunch we'll all go out somewhere and I'll get a protein entreé with some type of salad or other vegetable side. Last night rocked -- the meal was grape leaves wrapped around lemon-spiced rice with pita bread, hummus, and tabouli ... can you say YUUUUUM.
Now, since I did mention some sporadic things, let's take my view on poetry. When I was writing as a younger man, poetry meant simply one simple thing to me: a snapshot. To me, a poem was a picture, but a special picture because instead of just painting landscape, it would paint emotions. All of my poems are tied to a very specific event, time, or period in my life, and they aren't meant to be interpreted by the words they present, but more by the images and sensations they evoke. This poem is a snapshot of my past. It's a snapshot of a young teenager living a wild lifestyle yet keeping a steady job and longing to get out.
In 1995 you would have not batted an eye at me. Not because of appearance, but because of who I was. I lived by the day, my checking account was negative more often than it was positive, I smoked two packs of cigarettes a day, paid no respect to the law, and abused quite a few substances. Somehow I managed to live a life that had few decisions: the decision of which bill to allow to default (usually it came between my car payment or my rent payment) for that month, and the decision of which vice to embark on that evening so I could ignore my own self-loathing. The only constant was that I had to wake up at a certain time each day and go into an office and perform a task because otherwise I would be living in a tent (a few of my roommates actually ended up living in tents on abandoned lots for short periods of time). I was also very cynical, and if you met me, you wouldn't like me, because I'd go out of my way to point out your flaws and feed on your weeknesses because in my bitter desperation it would be the only way to create the illusion of feeling important.
In December of 1996 God moved in my life and led me on a journey to find Christ and my salvation. While I was not even looking for a job out of state, an opportunity led me to Atlanta. A taxi cab driver who looked straight into my soul and told me it was time to make a change without even knowing who I was or my background is what gave me the strength to conquer my greatest fear of leaving my home town for a new city where I knew not a single person. Everything I owned fit into my two door Honda: my computer, my RCA dial television set, my beloved cat, and my clothes. The first month I slept on the floor because my first paycheck is what brought furniture into my apartment there. But I can say that the first week, I met Doreen, my wife. I threw away my last pack of cigarettes at the first rest area on the way to Atlanta. Other changes took longer but now I am blessed with a home (not just a place to sleep) and a loving partner for life (not just a spouse -- it's so much more than that legal document) and a legacy (my children, who are my whole world). Thank you, God. Thank you Christ, for caring so much for someone as selfish and uncaring as me. I know I don't deserve your grace, but you gave it to me anyway - you sacrificed your only son, caused him to suffer and endure agonizing pain for me - something I may never fully comprehend. I accept my salvation, Lord, and praise your name!
Here is a snapshot of that cycle that God lifted me out of.
Bon Fire © 1992-2003 Jeremy Likness.
Open seásámé, bon fire a bone heart quaking this lax night
Split lips, quick smile with dog tongue lapping movie stamps
Cheap wine, harsh communion and sangré stained drunk mouth
Moving stealth on rich island with watchful stare silhouettes stoned
Full moon? Not quite, chipped pearl on glazed eyes, wide stare
Swallow me in throbbing pupils sterilized by ringed drops
Wub wub little gizza twisting in nan nyan time ummmm zig
Piecemeal movement flash into window, white flakes on flesh
Remote parasitic on an adhesive couch with easy buttons on bright channels
Quite sudden in twirling gesture, naked erect and perfect guardian
Lean dishonest release on yet unpainted virgin walls
Slathered defacement choking largely on cotton dreams, bitter
Boom boom note back note back switch CD light flash fall
Fallen, still and shaking psyche on subtle subliminal whiplash
Thirsting darkness no dream numb perception vivid as I
Breathe back to hot shower awash in cologne and white collar paint
Hanging tie coughing car and f@#$!
I'm sober and working again.
posted by Jeremy on 4/4/2003 7:31:10 AM | | My theory on getting it done | Week 1 of 12, Day 4 of 84
There is an old mathematical riddle that goes something like this (grossly simplified):
To get from point A to point B, you ALWAYS must travel half the distance first. In fact, if we take a person standing at point A, and say that we always must travel half the distance to reach point B, then we can say that first, let's walk half the distance. If our goal is 100 meters away, we'll walk 50 meters. Now, we are 50 meters from our goal. So we walk half that, or 75. Now, we are 25 meters away from our goal. So we walk half that ... etc. But the problem is that there will always be SOME distance to cut in half, so how do we ever really reach the goal?
The answer is that we shoot for point C, which is just beyond point B. If we keep going halfway to point C, then we'll eventually cross B.
What does this have to do with "getting it done"?
A typical transformation lasts 12 weeks, or 84 days. There is a good reason we call the middle the "hump" and try to get over it. If you can make it up a hill, you can make it down, and the start of any program - having to initiate the discipline, form new habits, etc - is the roughest portion.
So, if you can make it halfway, 42 days, you can make the whole gig, right? So let's forget about 84 days and just focus on the first 42. Of course, we know if we make half of that, 21 days, we're in the zone, so let's just concentrate on 21 days.
Hmmm ... halfway to 21 is 10.5 days, so let's concentrate on that for a moment. Best way to tackle it? Get over the hump! The hump is at 5.25 days, and to get to that, you need to cross the hump at 2.625 days. Half of that is 1.3125 days, but let's be honest - you're worried about the first day, right? So halfway to 1.3125 days is about 16 hours.
GUESS WHAT?!
If you're getting enough sleep, around 8 hours a day, then really it's the first 16 hours you're awake that counts - that first day! So if you make it over the hump, you're well on your way to your first, third, fifth, tenth, 21st, and 42nd day .... and then it's all downhill to VICTORY!
posted by Jeremy on 4/3/2003 10:58:31 AM | | Jesus loves the little children ... | Week 1 of 12, Day 4 of 84 cont...
... all the children of the world!
I just love it when my daughter sings that song! Okay, first thing's first ...
Marie - girlfriend, you just rock, no doubt about it. Thanks for keeping it real ... do you realize it's been 4 years now? WOOOAH where'd the time go? I'm ready for another event like it ... I haven't been able to capture that same spirit again, with so many people just lifting each other up (not to mention a lot of weight, too).
Emma - no, it is *I* who am honored that you responded! LOL. I do like medical, I guess I could have saved everyone else the grief of technical terminology by mailing you privately, but I loved your response!!! As I was reading it and tumbling over a few terms, I couldn't help but hearing this voice in the back of my head shouting you GO girl! LOL.
Alex - keep it real. That was a BAD practical joke. Had my gears spinning, too, glad I decided to wait to reply to it. LOL! Keep it green, sister!
Zach - brother, you can have the source disk, but I'm going to be a pain in your derrier. I haven't seen you in aeons, so we're gonna have to face to face if you wanna pick it up.
Last night was a smackdown. Did 20 minutes of HIIT and surprised myself. I thought I would be lucky to make it a mile in 20 minutes, as lazy as I've been with cardio lately. I was able to do cardio, BFL-style, with these cycles:
4.5 mph warmup
5.5, 6.5, 7.5, 8.5 respectively for my cycles
9.5 for the "10"
Not bad ... especially considered that, afterwards, I had to workout. It was my exclusive, behind-the-neck pull-down routine. LOL. Just kidding. Definitely have to eliminate those from the plan, the last thing I want is my rotator cuff to rotate and then have the Acromion come and axe my ligament!
I did a chest/triceps pairing and surprised myself again. While in the heyday I used to be able to pump some appreciable poundage, I'd been out of the lifting game for several months, including a long cycle of jogging without any weight training to back it up. I was expecting for zero strength but I was able to break 200 for reps - 205 in fact - and this motivated me to go on to have a kick $%@#$% workout. I also managed to load a respectable amount on the squats and do them full range and the result is that even though I trained Monday, I still have discomfort walking today! (I do think the lunges had a wee part to play in this as well).
Anyway, tonight is core and auxiliary - basically, abdomen, lower back, forearms, and calves.
Today's twigs and dust:
Breakfast - fruit
Lunch - sprouted grain bread, almond butter, baked blue corn chips
Afternoon meal - black bean and corn soup, seasame crackers
Last night's dinner was the other half of my grilled tofu sandwich with some crackers, and of course my faaaaavorite post-workout shake of avocado, banana, and raw sugar.
In a sense, the war in Iraq is a quest. Not a quest for the governments or higher powers that are directing this conflict, but each individual is a part of something and will find something on their personal journey. This is a poem written long ago about that type of quest. It is presented here in honor of the incredible sacrifice our great troops are making for us. I think the end somehow ties into the media and public opinion, but since my youth is a great fog that I cannot penetrate, I couldn't tell you for sure. God Bless America!
Ulysses © 1992 - 2003 Jeremy Likness.
Ulysses flinches as the serpent retracts,
Strange venom for a new odyssey, this
Quest has no prize, no motive, just
The memory of family occasions,
Rare moments, and a trace of discipline.
A pause to adjust his shirt, some
Coldness that crouches in the room, the
Soft patter as the air conditioner leaks, yet
The paint is still friendly.
While his chariot moves forward in time, a
Concern for attention, not
Sympathy: the men groan on the battlefield, wondering
What freedom looks like - is it
The thump of bullets in night, a
Figure curled around its blood, wondering
What freedom looks like? He
Moves forward, forgetting
The starved masses across the sea, not
Remembering what was never known to
The city boy: television, radio, and
Someone else's dream, someone named
The public.
posted by Jeremy on 4/3/2003 7:40:00 AM |
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